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Rolf Glitzer Sister Madonna Habit
RNN Breaking News… “Good Afternoon, this is Rolf Glitzer reporting to you from our Real News Network headquarters—in Washington, D. C.
“Our lead story, “GOD’S CREATION IS UNDER SIEGE! Holy cow! Is this devastating news, or what?”
We are about to hear the most significant, and mind blowing, Breaking News in the history of recorded and unrecorded time. According to the highly respected Pakistani polling research company, “Alam Zazier A Kambarzahihave confirmed according to their anonymous, but extremely reliable sources the following statement, “Due to a major operational ‘glitch’ in heaven, Until Further Notice—God will not be accepting repentant souls, at least in the foreseeable future.”
For more on this story, let’s go to our high flying religious correspondent, Sister Madonna Habit, who is a former Carmelite nun that took a vow of silence, but now she is our inside source and has direct access into all major faiths of the world.
“Sister Madonna what in Hades in is going on? Sorry, I didn’t mean…can you tell us if this news a fluke or athe truth?”
“Bless you Brother Rolf. I’ve spent the last forty eight hours consulting with my [innermost-insider] and [outermost-outsider] reliable anonymous sources—this is what I’m hearing. God is facing a slippery slope that even those with the most extraordinary imagination would fall short as to the magnitude of the dire straits he finds himself. We’ll continue to keep our ears to ground for further updates—back to you Brother Rolf.”
“THAT’S IT? Can’t you elaborate or at least speculate, Sister?”
“Well Brother Rolf, let’s just say he is faced with a problem of biblical proportion. As to the details, we’ll just have to wait and see.”
“My heart goes out to you Sister Madonna; your nerves must be raw as a Sushi Bar.”
“Yes Brother Rolf, they are, although I am allergic to raw fish, but prayer will see us through. I think in this situation a miracle is in order—let us pray.” She cried, with crocodile tears streaming down Sister Madonna’s angelic face.
Rolf Glitzer tries to reel her in. “Excuse me Sister Madonna, and with all due respect, but the last thing we need right now is a weeping Madonna—in simple NATIONAL INQUISITOR soap opera lingo, what do you believe is God's next move?”
“Well, Brother Rolf, if he does nothing, his creation is at risk; if he does something, but if it isn’t ‘enough of something,’ it could be the equivalent of having done ‘nothing,’ which would make everyone wonder why he even considered doing ‘something’ in the first place.
Having said that, there is a real possibility that through faith, prayer and plain old luck, all will return to normal. At the same time, there is also the possibility all could all go to 'Hell' in a hand basket, leaving God with the p;s
none of this will work and he’s back to recreating the universe all over again.
I hope this clears up any questions you or our viewers may have. I know that I totally understand what I’ve said, how I’ve said it, why I’ve said it. In a nutshell, God is stuck between a rock and a hard place without any cushions in sight.”
“Well, Sister, thank you for your very insightful perspective and emotional report, even though we still don’t specifically know why he’s closing up shop; having said that, we’re pleased you’re finally able to freely express yourself in many, many, very many heartfelt word.”
ON TO OTHER BREAKING NEWS…”JUMPIN’ JEHOSHAPHAT!” Just in from the tabloid of tabloids, THE NATIONAL INQUISITOR.
Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy were secretly married and have a little Friglet named “Friggy” and the first words out of its mouth were, “Roink, Roink”—no surprise there.
And remember, you heard it first on RNN—The Real News Network
Hi, I'm a TV evangelist, and I take issue with this guy saying that God told him that certainTV evangelists should quit preaching and go sell used cars.
Well listen up Mr. Smarty Pants, my first job was selling used cars, and it taught me how to read people and talk them into buying cars they didn't really need or want. You want to know why that's important because most people don't realize that they need Jesus; but I do, so now I talk ‘non-believers into becoming ‘believers’, and if I wasn't a used car salesman, I never would have qualified to become a TV evangelist. Put that in your gas tank and run it.
P.S. I still sell used cars on weekends to keep my preaching skills sharp, and we just got in a cherry red (mint condition ’57 Chevy) with an overhead cam. If you want to be the hit of your next NASCAR beer-drinking weekend, you don’t need to look any further. Stop by and let’s just see if I can talk you into answering your prayers. ‘Honk once if you love Jesus, if you’re not quite sure—just wave.— "Ridin’ High & Dry With Jesus By My Side"
and the first one is ‘Dante’s Inferno’ which means books three It'sDo you want to know if there is such a place as Hell? Well, I belong to the Hell’s Angels, so I know what I’m talking about. I read this book called The Divine Comedy because I thought it was a comedy club in Heaven. Boy did I get that ‘bad boy’ wrong. hell in Italian.
It scared the ‘Hell right out of me!’ Dante said there are 9 circles of Hell, and the deeper you go the worse it gets. I’m here to tell you, even if this dude Dante is only half right, you don’t you want to go there. I gave it to the other guys in the club, and after they all read it, we decided to change our name to God’s Angels. —"Burn Baby Burn"
Hi, I'm Frank, and because I am, you are going to get it straight from the shoulder—right down the middle of the plate—I never throw curves—the shortest distance between two points is a straight line—no dancing around the Mulberry Bush—no mincing of words—no standing on the sidelines, but on the field of results—I tell the truth, even when it hurts…(perplexed) What was the question again? —"Lost In Translation"
I was fascinated by the idea; if only hypothetically, that God would ever be in the position of vulnerability, and having to confess to anything or anyone; considering He’s His own salvation. It would be like looking into a mirror, asking a question, and waiting for the image to give you the answer. Very ‘spooky,’ to say the least, but if anyone can have an alter ego, it is God.
When I finished, God’s Confession. I was so inspired, I joined a Trappist monk monastery, it stimulated my inner-most feelings, which has been in a deep sleep most of my life. But now, I’m on a new path. I heard the trumpet’s call; I dug deep into the true meaning of salvation and God’s real purpose for asking us to follow Him. The bad news is, I quit after two weeks because no one would talk to me. Wouldn't you know it, a month later, I found out that Trappist monks take a vow of silence, so much for not doing my homework. I should have known something was up, because when I was first introduced, everyone stood, smiled and began clapping, but only with one hand. Try it, the silence is deafening. Signed, —"A Former Monk Who Fell into His Own ‘Trap’"